Have you ever worried about giving someone critical feedback?
Have you ever thought to yourself that you wanted the other to understand about a mistake he had made, but did not know how to address it?
Do you remember a situation where you wanted your team’s performance to improve, but shied away from actually communicating your expectations?
Well, guess what - you are not alone.
There are so many people out there who feel exactly like you do. Who feel insecure and want to do the right thing. Who don’t want to open up a conflict. Who care about how they or the others might feel.
Sometimes I hear that conflicts are bad and should be avoided. When I listen to some examples, I get reminded of two small children wanting to build a sandcastle together, but who end up fighting about their sand toys and don’t know how to stop this sandy mess.
Conflicts are natural and appear in any environment. Disagreements and opposing views are crucial for progress. If they are treated professionally and with a solution orientation, they will help individuals, teams, and even large corporations strive and reach something better.
Some cultures and environments allow or even promote open discussions and confrontations, while in others you would never speak about disagreements in a direct manner.
Moreover, on the individual level, there are personalities who see a value in disagreement of find disputes energizing, while others seek harmony at all cost and would never voluntarily start a conflict.
Today, I want to share a shift in mindset with you which has helped many supervisors and employees I have coached.
Separate person and performance. Separate person and behavior.
If you feel like it is you or your expectations against another person, you are in fighting or attacking mode. You will aim to prove yourself right.
As soon as you think about a person being good or bad, you mix the outcome which you did not like with the person who caused the outcome.
Instead, if you shift your focus from person to performance, you can address your expectations or your criticism without attacking the individual.
Let me give you an example of a thought process:
1 Observation: Agnes made a mistake. Or Agnes did not behave the way I expected her to behave.
2 First emotion: I feel angry or upset. I have a hard time understanding why she would have done that. She should have known better.
3 Reflection: Agnes is different from me. It is not that she is a bad person in general, but that she behaved in a way that I did not expect. She must have had a reason for behaving that way.
4 Transformation: What can I do differently, so that I get the result that I want? Have I expressed my expectations in a way that she understood it the way I meant it? How did I ensure that she understood it correctly? I am sure that she acted with a good intention, even if the outcome was not meeting my expectations.
5 Communication: I will contact her as soon as possible after having a full picture of the situation. I will not delay my feedback, as this would be unfair to her and disturb our general relationship. I will ensure that she knows through my body language, tone in voice, and actual words that I care about her as a person, but that I expect a different behavior in the future.
Getting back to the sand toys:
The children initially wanted to build a sandcastle. Together.
It’s like working together. We go to work to build something together. A product or a service.
Then they got into a fight about the sand toys. Maybe they had different views and both felt the need to be right. They forgot about their sandcastle and got lost in their fight.
At times, the same happens at work. We get lost in a dispute and forget about our shared goals and vision.
Remind yourself of the following:
The more you are able to separate performance from the person who does the work, the easier it is to change behavior. For both sides.
It is not about the person. She is not a bad person. It is not about you against your employee.
It is you and your employee/colleague working together on improving processes and performance.
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